A place that never was.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about this feeling that I get every now and again, a type of homesickness for a place that I can’t even remember. A place that I am not even sure existed in the first place.

All I know is that I want to be there, and somehow I would do whatever it takes to make it there, I am just not sure where, or why, or how but for whatever reason I want to be there more than anywhere else.

Stricken by wanderlust I am in the constant mood to travel to far away places, seek out new friendships, new experiences, an almost transient life. But being a ghost what am I to do? I have faded into the background, shackled by the shadows that I once used to conceal me, but now the only thing that I long for is the sweet release of freedom to go on my life’s great journey.

Where is home now?

Is it a place? Is it a person, or perhaps maybe people? Who knows, but this vague feeling is one of the few pleasures in my life that serves a dual purpose as one of my deepest sorrows.

A ghost who regularly has bouts of melancholy as well as a developed sense of melodrama, honestly what place requires someone like that? Hopeful yet I know that it is out there. But in the current state of my existence, it is ever yet out of my grasp.

Thinking about this place is a little like taking a drink of something with a flavor that you swear reminds you of something but the idea of what it could possibly be, eludes you. Pleasant yet frustrating, you feel as though your life would be just a bit more complete, even if just an infinitesimal amount.

For what does this sweetness serve if it is not something that can be sought out or recollected from memories of the past. But how could that be if such a place has not come to pass yet in this timeline? It would seem impossible that one could have memories from the future, but then again, is it not so that all desires we transient spirits have come from a place of ideal thoughts of the future?

I wish that this future was closer, that I could press some sort of magical fast forward button to already be there because these steps in between are so shaky… All this uncertainty. I just want to pass over it all and find the place that I am meant to be. Because wherever it is, it is not here.

I am learning to become fine with the present and live in the moment, so for now, this is where I am, and I am okay with where I am for now. But one of the many dangers that come with the territory of being a ghost are that “now” can easily become “forever” in the blink of an eye.

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