Failure, the seemingly inevitable fall that may or may not even come, like a great enemy constantly looming over your shoulder waiting to strike you down and relish in your misery and confusion.
In almost every book, blog, and article that I have read people always say that “starting is the hardest part.” That phrase could be in regards to so many different things especially when applied to personal development. But after all this time the single biggest hangup that I have faced is…
the fear of falling.
Even though as a ghost you can fall from great heights that you climb and sort of phase through the proverbial “floor” undamaged, but even as a ghost there is that fear, as if the world is dropping out from underneath you and all of the decisions you made up until that point flash before your eyes and cause you nothing but regret.
On some sleepless nights like the one in which I am currently writing this, I think to myself, why is it that it is so hard to do the things that I want to do? It could be due to the human aspect that dwells within all ghosts, monsters, and men. The part of us that craves instant gratification, success, and fortune. The part that yearns to be acknowledged in great numbers, to water our own egos in a sense.
I do not believe an ego to be an unhealthy thing when living a modest life, it is that which grounds us and tethers us to this human experience we call life. A ghost of all things, is in fact just the shade of an ego, almost like a discarded husk of the person they used to be.
But in this ghostly life I grow tired of being only half of what I used to be, and like the sapling of a plant, I am parched, growing from the crags of my own scorched past I am searching for a new way to grow.
But what if I fall?
The thoughts keep echoing inside my mind, the skills that I have as a ghost are not marketable in the physical world. I can do so many things, but not a single one of them well enough to truly be alive outside of this purgatory.
The conflict that dwells within me is that of wanting to be seen, to be noticed, yet at the same time remain incorporeal, hiding behind the thin veil of aether. I conceal myself to avoid pain, to avoid conflict and the harshness of reality. When you remain untouchable, you cannot be influential. I wish to myself that there was a way to balance the scales of this reality. And perhaps there is some way, but it is unknown to a ghost like me.
We each have limits, but this sensation haunts me. The feeling like there is always a trap hiding behind each and every door that I have the potential to open. When you have fallen before what is it about us that makes it so hard to get up and keep trying.
Emotionally I boast about resilience, but when it comes to getting things accomplished for myself I am actually quite weak willed. This, of course, being something that I want to change about myself along this journey. But much like Icarus I build myself up with lofty aspirations made from wax and attempt to fly too close to the sun.
Melt. Crash. Phase. Retry.
Like an iPod stuck on replay, this is the cycle I go through. One day on this journey I’m on I hope to adorn myself with wings that are worth their salt and can carry me far far away to a place where I will never have to fear the fall ever again.